What do men do about rape?

25 Jul 2009

[potential trigger warning]

Do you know that you shouldn’t walk home alone at night, or on unlit streets? That when walking home, you should have your house key between your fingers to poke a potential attacker in the eyes or throat? How about that if you don’t want to be raped, you need to be sure your skirt is somebody’s idea of the right length, that you don’t sway your hips when you walk, you shouldn’t be alone with new dates, alone in large groups of men, say you enjoy sex out loud where men can hear you, shouldn’t drink — not because you’ll get liver damage or become an alcoholic, but because it’ll result in you being raped? Did you know that if someone tries to force you to have sex, that you shouldn’t fight back, but should probably just try to be nice to them? How about that if you say yes to one kind of sex, you’d best be prepared to have every other kind of sex your partner wants, and that if you want to avoid being raped, you’d best say no to ANY kind of sex, even the sex you DO want?

How You Guys — that’s right, you GUYS — Can Prevent Rape
by Heather Corinna on Scarleteen | Hat-tip Kristen for reminding me

This article, aimed at young men, hits the nail right on the head, on why rape and sexual violence aren’t ‘women’s issues.’ “It’s a bit like if all the warnings we see about driving drunk were aimed at people hit by drunk drivers”, writes Ms. Corinna. She writes convincingly about the need for men to call each other out on sexist, violent behavior, and steps up to share her own experiences as a survivor as a heartfelt and effective teaching tool.

She touches on consent (Yes means yes!, and how to navigate shyness and discomfort talking about sex), BDSM, the role of cultural mores…and goes into what it means to be a survivor, how to support someone who has been raped, and debunks some of the stereotypes of who a rapist is. It’s a long and at times rambling article, but it’s a much-needed step toward reaching a demographic that’s often ignored in discussions of rape prevention. None of what she writes is a surprise to me, a 20-something woman, but how much of these facts — and of the culture of fear they create among women — is familiar to young men?

I’m continually surprised at how much, even in feminist circles, we fail to put the burden of reforming patriarchy on men’s shoulders. Although I won’t argue that there isn’t still a lot to do in terms of women’s liberation, we can’t see patriarchy as a women’s only issue. The roles and positions imposed on men also need to be challenged. And they need to be challenged by men, not just by women. It’s the difference between ‘we need to stop doing this because it’s wrong and it hurts us as a human society’ and ‘you need to stop doing this to me‘.

*Scarleteen is a free online resource for young people to go with their questions about sex, sexuality, and gender. It’s a sex-positive, feminist space, for the most part, and unfortunately a much-needed resource for many young (and not-so-young) people who don’t get that kind of advice from their peers, family, and education. Check it out.